My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
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A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Sniffing the broccoli
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it