Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
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” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
How to wake up a Beagle
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum