WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
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“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems