Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
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I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
fair
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I don’t know what to do
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.