I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
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Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.