i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
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doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Are you ok, human???
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest