It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
You Might Also Like
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Smells like a challenge to me
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.