taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
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Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup