The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
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Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
selfie game
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it