FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
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This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I support this random dude and all his protests
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?