Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
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If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.