doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
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Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.