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Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
So the ex texted me
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.