I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
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If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?