[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
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I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.