I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
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Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
me and the Superbowl rn
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee