For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
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It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK