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Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Golf would be better with landmines.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I would move hell over six inches for you
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn