My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
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The real reason evolution started..😂
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients