[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
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Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Can’t stop laughing
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.