I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
You Might Also Like
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Mornin
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Whoa 😂
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”