2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!