[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
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leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE