Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
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The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
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Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any