I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
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She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.