Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
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A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Life hack
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE