Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
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My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Go girl power!
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]