Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
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The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk