The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
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[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.