Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
You Might Also Like
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.