me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
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CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter