Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
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I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up