Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
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Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*