[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
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[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
can’t bark with your mouth full
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
New comic up. “Ransom”