Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.