It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
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As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first