Funny because it’s true. 🤣
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Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME