just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
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Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We鈥檒l return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There鈥檚 nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Beyonc茅: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyonc茅: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don鈥檛 bother with a second.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it鈥檚 like to lose your child at the mall
Kids at this rave act like they鈥檝e never seen a CPAP machine.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can鈥檛 hear you let me put you on sneaker
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
when I鈥檓 sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.