[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
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If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house