They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
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This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Cndnsd Mlk
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh