me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
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Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.