repaired
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you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
LMAO.