20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
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All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”