Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
You Might Also Like
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
#catsoftwitter
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.