Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
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This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Lmao
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated