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My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.