I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
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Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
This is always good for a laugh.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Mistakes were made
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”