A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
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He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
marvel comics have peaked
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.