Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
You’re the water to my grease fire.
favorite tropes as memes
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny