When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
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“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!